Irish jokes
Irish toasts
May the grass grow long on the road to hell for want of use.
An Irishman is never drunk as long as he can hold on to one blade of grass
and not fall off the face of the earth.
May you live to be a hundred years, with one extra year to repent.
As you slide down the banisters of life may the splinters never point the wrong way.
May your troubles be as few as your grandmother's teeth.
In Heaven there is no beer that's why we drink it here.
May the enemies of Ireland never eat bread or drink whisky, but be afflicted with itching without the benefit of scratching.
May the roof above us never fall in, and may we friends gathered below never fall out.
May you get all your wishes but one, so you always have something to strive for.
May God bring good health to your enemies enemies.
May those who love us, love us and those who don't love us, may God turn their hearts.
And if he can not turn their hearts, may he turn their ankles, so we may know them by their limping.
"A Wise Irish Lad"
An aging Irishman lived alone in Ireland. His only son was in Long Kesh Prison, and he didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden.
The old man wrote to his son about it, and received this reply... "For heavens sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden! Don't you remember, that's where I buried the GUNS!"
At precisely 5 a.m. the following morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but found narry a gun.... Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asked him what to do next. His son's reply was: "Dad, just plant your potatoes."
Paddy's War
Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering what to do next when his telephone rang.
"Hallo, Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "this is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is meself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"
Saddam paused, "I must tell you Paddy, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begorra," said Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back!" Sure enough the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked.
"Well, we have two farm tractors, a bulldozer, and Murphy's combine."
Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 4,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to 1-1/2 million."
"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."
Sure enough, Paddy again called the next day. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Harrigan's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"
Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 1,000 bombers and 2,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increase my army to two million!"
"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top O' the mornin, Mr. Hussein, I am sorry to tell you that we have decided to call off the war."
"I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well,' said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and we decided there's no way we can feed two million prisoners."
God Bless The Irish!
Taking No Chances
Michael the farm hand had finished work. The byres and stables were closed, the animals fed and housed for the night. He lifted down the hurricane lamp from its hook and walked down the yard. Just then he met the farmer. "Michael, where are you going tonight?" the farmer asked. "I'm going to see my Jean," Michael replied. Going courting, then?" asked the farmer with a wink. "But I didn't need a hurricane lamp when I was courting." "No, indeed, Michael replied, but look what you got!"
The Final Word
The sermon went on and on. Finally the minister paused, then asked, "What more can I say?" From back of the church a voice was heard to say, "Amen."
Subtle Hint
Seamus had overstayed his welcome at this girlfriend's house. "You'd better leave now," she said. "My father has a habit of taking things apart to see why they won't go."
St. Peter
Paddy Irishman died and went up to heaven where St. Peter greeted him.
"And who are you?" asked St. Peter.
"My name is Peter O'Toole"
"And what did you do for a living?" asked St. Peter.
"I was unemployed"
"Unemployed hmmm?" mused St. Peter. "And have you ever done anything good in your life?"
"As a matter of fact I have. I was walking along the street once and I saw a group of bikers who were threatening to beat up a defenseless girl. So I rushed to her rescue, pulled the ringleader off by his hair, kicked him hard and told him and his gang to clear off."
"That's highly commendable," said St. Peter, flicking through the man's file, "but I don't see any record of this incident. When did it happen?"
"About five minutes ago"
Accident Intervention
A rabbi and a Irish priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days." The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God." The rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then he hands the bottle to the priest. The priest agrees, takes a few big Irish-style swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest. The priest asks, "Aren't you having any?" The rabbi replies, "No… I think I'll wait for the police."
An Irishman and three pints
An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three Guinesses.
The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three pints, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.
An hour later, the man has finished the three pints and orders three more. This happens yet again.
The next evening the man orders and drinks three pints at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Pints.
A week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town.
"I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three pints?"
'Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies, "You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two pints whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."
The bartender and the whole town was pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Pints became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.
Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two pints.
The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening. He orders only two pints.
The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.
The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know -- the two pints and all..."
The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I, meself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent.
Mike's baby delivery
Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm. There was no running water, no electricity, etc.
One night, Mikes' wife begins to deliver the baby. The local doctor was able to be there in attendance.
"What d'ya want me to do, Doctor?" said Mike.
"Hold the lantern, Mike. Here it comes!"
The doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see.
"Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy."
"Saints be praised, I…
" Before Mike can finish the Doctor interrupts, "Wait a minute. Hold the lantern, Mike.
" Soon the doctor delivers the next child. "You've a full set now, Mike. A beautiful baby daughter."
"Thanks be to…
" Again the Doctor cuts in, "Hold the lantern, Mike, Hold the lantern!
" Soon the Doctor delivers a third child.
The doctor holds up the baby for Mike's inspection.
"Doctor," asks Mike, "Do you think it's the light that's attracting them?"
Big Mick O'Reilly
Barty was trapped in a bog and seemed a goner when Big Mick O'Reilly wandered by. "Help!" Barty shouted, "I'm sinkin'!"
Don't worry," assured Mick. "Next to the Strong Muldoon, I'm the strongest man in Erin, and I'll pull ye right out o' there."
Mick leaned out and grabbed Barty's hand and pulled and pulled to no avail.
After two more unsuccessful attempts, Mick said to Barty, "Shure, I can't do it. The Strong Muldoon could do it alone, mebbe, but I'll have to get some help."
As Mick was leaving, Barty called out, "Mick! Mick! D'ye think it will help if I pull me feet out of the stirrups?
O'Toole’s confession
O'Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time he'd been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent.
"Father, it's 15 years since my last confession, and I've been stealing wood from the lumber yard all those years," he told the priest.
"I understand my son," says the priest.
"For your penance can you make a Novena?
"O'Toole said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber."
Irishmen’s hearing problem
Three old Irishmen met on the street on a very stormy day.
The wind was so strong and loud that they had difficulty in hearing each other.
"It's windy," said one.
"No, it's Thursday," said the next.
"So am I," said the third. "Let's go and have a drink of Gunniness!"
